Navigating Family Dynamics in the Dementia Journey
Carer's Chronicle
Navigating Family Dynamics in the Dementia Journey
When a parent or other relative, like my mother, reaches a stage in life where they need care, it's fascinating—albeit in a morbidly ironic way—to observe how family dynamics come into play. It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck where everyone reverts to their core personality traits, magnified to the nth degree. Naturally, this leads to the expected family ructions.
Alzheimer's and dementia are particularly intriguing diseases for several reasons:
The Masterful Disguise
In the early stages, the sufferer seems entirely the same. They develop strategies for hiding the symptoms, and it's surprisingly easy for them to pull it off, especially when family members or friends aren't around much. It's as if they're wearing an invisibility cloak that only slips occasionally, leaving you questioning your own sanity more than theirs.
The Busy Bees
People get caught up in their own lives, struggling to keep their personal buses from veering off the road. The idea of adding 'worrying about Mum' to their already bursting to-do lists can be overwhelming. It’s not that they don’t care (although in some cases it is exactly that); it’s just that modern life has a way of swallowing time and energy, leaving little for anything else.
Magnified Personality Traits
Here’s where it gets really interesting—or infuriating, depending on your perspective. Dementia seems to act like a magnifying glass on personality traits. It’s akin to being a happy or violent drunk—if you’re warm and caring, that side of you shines even brighter. If you’re bitter and angry, well, let’s just say it’s not pretty. This amplification can create a pressure cooker environment within families, turning minor disagreements into full-blown wars.
In our case, the family has aligned with their inherent traits. Being empathetic, I’ve slipped into taking on more of the caring responsibilities—no need for applause, it was more a case of underestimating what would be involved, like that urban myth of the ‘slowly boiled frog’—while my sibling has found convenient excuses to remain on the sidelines.
Understandably, this led initially to disbelief, then disappointment, and finally, after a great deal of “just do this” comments from the safety of 80 miles away, estrangement.
Whilst perhaps predictable, it's still been disappointingly painful to experience.
There’s a certain irony in seeing how dementia reveals the true nature of those around us, stripping away the façades we usually maintain. It forces a reckoning with who we are and how we handle adversity. Some rise to the occasion with grace and compassion, while others, not so much.
My personal choice involved the following thinking: -
Actions speak louder than words - I intensely dislike hypocrisy
People either give out energy or steal it - avoid the latter
Some behaviour is unforgivable - act accordingly
This approach won’t suit everyone but it’s not steamed me wrong is all I can say.
So, as you navigate this journey, remember that it’s not just the disease that’s at play—it’s the entire family dynamic. Recognise the patterns, brace yourself for the magnified traits, and, if you can, find a way to inject a bit of wry humour into the chaos. Because sometimes, laughter is the only thing that keeps the wheels on your bus from falling off entirely.
There is a lot of minutiae and ugly detail that may lay there in between the lines . . . Living it, is a far different matter than writing it - for someone who has never intimately touched these conditions. Life is made of little details. The brain conditions certainly allow space for "details" of daily life, week after week, month after month. The care, your care that you provided sounds like follows the Pareto Principle, Mark is 1/5th, but does 80%. How does the story progress, or is this enough? I'm living it and comparing and contrasting.