The Cost of Always Being the Strong One
Self Development # 23 - A candid reflection on the unseen burden of being the strong one - exploring emotional fatigue, resilience, and the quest for genuine connection...
I’ve been quiet on here for a while
Not because I’ve had nothing to say - but because I’ve had to dig deeper than usual.
And today’s post isn’t about insight, or entertainment, or anything neat.
It’s just… true.
There are things I’ve carried for decades that most people never see - because I’ve learned how to wear them well.
Not as armour.
Just functional.
I’ve been described as grounded, steady, self-aware.
I’ve raised children who know they’re loved.
I’ve tried and failed, rebuilt businesses, lives, and rhythms - more than once.
I can hold a conversation at any depth you want.
I’m not scared of intimacy. I just know the cost of it when it’s one-sided.
But lately, there’s been a shift.
Not a crisis - just a growing awareness that the way I’ve lived, always alert, always carrying, is not sustainable.
It gets things done, yes.
It builds reputations. It creates safety for others.
But it doesn’t leave much room for being seen, for being held, or even resting - without needing to explain yourself.
This isn’t loneliness in the usual sense.
Not “I’m single and want someone.”
It’s the deeper kind - the kind you only understand if you’ve spent most of your adult life as the one who notices everything, absorbs the mood, shifts the tone, and makes the unsaid navigable.
When people say, “You’re so emotionally intelligent,” they usually mean:
“You’re easy to be around because you understand me.”
They never ask what it’s like to be you.
I don’t want or need sympathy.
I don’t want or need fixing.
I don’t even want a response - unless it’s real.
I just wanted to say something that I’ve only ever said in silence:
It’s not that I want to run.
It’s that I want to experience ease - without cost, without performance,
and without having to carry someone else’s load to get there.
That might be rest.
That might be resonance.
That might just be the kind of connection where the brain quiets, the body exhales, and nothing needs to be proven.
If this makes you uncomfortable - that’s okay.
If it feels too close, too quiet, or too raw - that’s also okay.
You don’t need to reply. You don’t need to solve anything.
And if this is where we part ways on the mailing list, there’s no harm, no hard feelings.
But if this resonates - even faintly - then I’m glad I wrote it.
Not for attention.
Not for therapy.
Just to stop carrying it in silence.
Mark V Smallwood
There you are, I was waiting for a post like this. Thank you for sharing, this is beautiful. And of course, I can relate ❤️
Definitely resonates with me. I saw the title and thought "this feels familiar". The cost to ourselves of always doing the carrying, the lack of reciprocity from others, the expectancy that we will be the strong ones, it takes its toll. I have wondered how it came to be, how I came to be so fiercely 'independent' and self-reliant, but I think it comes down to never having anyone there who I could rely on, no-one just to carry things to allow me space to just 'be'. My way of coping has been to cut a lot of people out of my life, as I couldn't deal with the resentment that inevitably built around this disparity. Thank you for sharing.