Self Development # 23 - A candid reflection on the unseen burden of being the strong one - exploring emotional fatigue, resilience, and the quest for genuine connection...
Definitely resonates with me. I saw the title and thought "this feels familiar". The cost to ourselves of always doing the carrying, the lack of reciprocity from others, the expectancy that we will be the strong ones, it takes its toll. I have wondered how it came to be, how I came to be so fiercely 'independent' and self-reliant, but I think it comes down to never having anyone there who I could rely on, no-one just to carry things to allow me space to just 'be'. My way of coping has been to cut a lot of people out of my life, as I couldn't deal with the resentment that inevitably built around this disparity. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for this, Kay - you’ve captured something I believe a lot of people feel but rarely say out loud: that self-reliance isn’t always strength.
Sometimes it’s simply the absence of safe alternatives.
And yes - the weight of constant emotional disparity does something to you. Not overnight, but slowly, insidiously. Cutting people out isn’t cold. It’s what happens when you realise you’ve become someone else’s support beam but never mutual.
You put it beautifully - that fierce independence isn’t bravado.
It’s a consequence and I recognise it.
What I’m still trying to work out - and maybe you are too - is whether we will ever trust anyone enough again to set it down, even for a moment. Or if the best we do is learn to carry it without letting it hollow us out.
I appreciate you reading my thoughts - and reflecting back with that kind of clarity.
Thank you, Mark — I think I’ve got to this age (57) trying to manage my reactions to people in respect of this, and I honestly don’t think I anticipate anyone coming into my life who will change that. I’ve been single a long time (since 2002) because I don’t trust myself getting entangled emotionally again then realising the difficulty of disentangling.
I often wonder if this is a “me” problem, because after all I’m the common denominator, but it seems weird that I am generous with my time, energy, resources & even money and yet it’s as if that’s never enough. And when I’ve eventually called people out on it, they admit that they hadn’t appreciated all I had done. But by then I refuse to carry on.
I don’t know the best answer, but for me, the one with least emotional discomfort is to set very strong boundaries which keep people at bay. I’m not good at re-setting them once I’ve given “too much”, and to be honest, I just feel exhausted and can’t be arsed.
I’m sorry this is something you know all too well — you describe it so viscerally that it felt as if you were naming “my” stuff.
I think I should go live in a house away from everyone, with just dogs. 😅
Thanks for sharing this, Kay - you’ve just drawn the full map, and yes, I know that territory all too well.
That line about giving too much, then not being able to reset the boundary - painfully familiar. And no, it’s not just a “you” problem. It’s what happens when early wiring teaches you it’s safer to meet needs than to have any.
For me, that 'gift' came from my mother - physically diminutive, but an olympic champion at emotional manipulation. I’ve recently recognised what a thorough job she did.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been generous to the point of depletion - and then quietly stepped back when the penny finally dropped. It’s not drama. It’s arithmetic.
Ah yes, mothers… I haven’t spoken to mine now in about 5 or 6 years. My father 37! My mum is a hateful woman, and the only saving grace is that I have a brother who sees exactly the same. I no longer think I’m imagining it with her any more. I had to get away, in the end I decided I didn’t want my son to see this.
They set the stage and we are left to make adjustments once we gain this perspective on it. I can only hope I don’t set my son up with similar issues.
I’m definitely with you on coffee — I’d like to add horses to my little patch of happiness.
That awareness Kay - the fact that you’ve questioned it, named it, stepped away from it - I'd say that makes it very unlikely your son will inherit the same dynamics.
I made a quiet vow years ago to parent in absolute opposition to how I was raised. And both of mine (now adults) seem very well-adjusted, despite the chaos I emerged from.
Horses, coffee, and no contact with toxic family? Sounds like you’re rewriting things just fine x
Thats one of the reasons I go w solitude more often now a days (not loneliness, but strategic solitude - not a beam.). "Cutting people out isn’t cold. It’s what happens when you realise you’ve become someone else’s support beam but never mutual."
I really related to this. Caring for someone with a complex mental health condition, it often falls to me to be "the strong one", even when that's not really how I'm feeling. And though ultimately our relationship survives (and I think is healing for both of us) because of the mutual trust and respect we have, the emotional fatigue, hypervigilance, and forced resilience are very real.
I grew up like you. As Chaos reigns you are calm stoic strong. I granite pillar there to steady to boat. Aware and in control. You push your insides out, detached always aware, never able to get emotional armor, having to focus on other people's pain. Until you are almost permanently detached, you cry alone, by yourself. I know this, I understand this. The strengths we have is because we have had no other choice then to face the world. We understand others so well, but we've never been given the chance to understand ourselves.
Another one @MarkSmallwood! Love it. I experience the loneliness of me - even if I am engaging all the time w many people, family, I am so pulled in many directions and have so much responsibility that it leaves me feeling "lonely", I carry, where is my support group, who carries for me? I dont know if it makes sense, but that's the thought I had. Where is that ease? When can I just do me? Or is me=everyone in my circle, chores, responsibilities, gaps n cracks?!?! Just writing out loud, you know how that's therapeutic Mark.
There you are, I was waiting for a post like this. Thank you for sharing, this is beautiful. And of course, I can relate ❤️
Don’t make me tear up now Maggie x
Definitely resonates with me. I saw the title and thought "this feels familiar". The cost to ourselves of always doing the carrying, the lack of reciprocity from others, the expectancy that we will be the strong ones, it takes its toll. I have wondered how it came to be, how I came to be so fiercely 'independent' and self-reliant, but I think it comes down to never having anyone there who I could rely on, no-one just to carry things to allow me space to just 'be'. My way of coping has been to cut a lot of people out of my life, as I couldn't deal with the resentment that inevitably built around this disparity. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for this, Kay - you’ve captured something I believe a lot of people feel but rarely say out loud: that self-reliance isn’t always strength.
Sometimes it’s simply the absence of safe alternatives.
And yes - the weight of constant emotional disparity does something to you. Not overnight, but slowly, insidiously. Cutting people out isn’t cold. It’s what happens when you realise you’ve become someone else’s support beam but never mutual.
You put it beautifully - that fierce independence isn’t bravado.
It’s a consequence and I recognise it.
What I’m still trying to work out - and maybe you are too - is whether we will ever trust anyone enough again to set it down, even for a moment. Or if the best we do is learn to carry it without letting it hollow us out.
I appreciate you reading my thoughts - and reflecting back with that kind of clarity.
Thank you, Mark — I think I’ve got to this age (57) trying to manage my reactions to people in respect of this, and I honestly don’t think I anticipate anyone coming into my life who will change that. I’ve been single a long time (since 2002) because I don’t trust myself getting entangled emotionally again then realising the difficulty of disentangling.
I often wonder if this is a “me” problem, because after all I’m the common denominator, but it seems weird that I am generous with my time, energy, resources & even money and yet it’s as if that’s never enough. And when I’ve eventually called people out on it, they admit that they hadn’t appreciated all I had done. But by then I refuse to carry on.
I don’t know the best answer, but for me, the one with least emotional discomfort is to set very strong boundaries which keep people at bay. I’m not good at re-setting them once I’ve given “too much”, and to be honest, I just feel exhausted and can’t be arsed.
I’m sorry this is something you know all too well — you describe it so viscerally that it felt as if you were naming “my” stuff.
I think I should go live in a house away from everyone, with just dogs. 😅
Thanks for sharing this, Kay - you’ve just drawn the full map, and yes, I know that territory all too well.
That line about giving too much, then not being able to reset the boundary - painfully familiar. And no, it’s not just a “you” problem. It’s what happens when early wiring teaches you it’s safer to meet needs than to have any.
For me, that 'gift' came from my mother - physically diminutive, but an olympic champion at emotional manipulation. I’ve recently recognised what a thorough job she did.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been generous to the point of depletion - and then quietly stepped back when the penny finally dropped. It’s not drama. It’s arithmetic.
Strong boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re structural.
And that fantasy about a quiet house with dogs? You’re not wrong. In my world, throw in a motorbike and some decent coffee, and it’s hard to argue.
Ah yes, mothers… I haven’t spoken to mine now in about 5 or 6 years. My father 37! My mum is a hateful woman, and the only saving grace is that I have a brother who sees exactly the same. I no longer think I’m imagining it with her any more. I had to get away, in the end I decided I didn’t want my son to see this.
They set the stage and we are left to make adjustments once we gain this perspective on it. I can only hope I don’t set my son up with similar issues.
I’m definitely with you on coffee — I’d like to add horses to my little patch of happiness.
That awareness Kay - the fact that you’ve questioned it, named it, stepped away from it - I'd say that makes it very unlikely your son will inherit the same dynamics.
I made a quiet vow years ago to parent in absolute opposition to how I was raised. And both of mine (now adults) seem very well-adjusted, despite the chaos I emerged from.
Horses, coffee, and no contact with toxic family? Sounds like you’re rewriting things just fine x
I think my son (27 almost) is doing pretty well with just having had me. Not ideal, but better than the toxicity from all sides.
I did exactly the same — I thought ‘let me do the opposite, let me tell my son he is loved, let me show him, let me never ignore him’.
That’s winning, I think.
Thats one of the reasons I go w solitude more often now a days (not loneliness, but strategic solitude - not a beam.). "Cutting people out isn’t cold. It’s what happens when you realise you’ve become someone else’s support beam but never mutual."
I really related to this. Caring for someone with a complex mental health condition, it often falls to me to be "the strong one", even when that's not really how I'm feeling. And though ultimately our relationship survives (and I think is healing for both of us) because of the mutual trust and respect we have, the emotional fatigue, hypervigilance, and forced resilience are very real.
I grew up like you. As Chaos reigns you are calm stoic strong. I granite pillar there to steady to boat. Aware and in control. You push your insides out, detached always aware, never able to get emotional armor, having to focus on other people's pain. Until you are almost permanently detached, you cry alone, by yourself. I know this, I understand this. The strengths we have is because we have had no other choice then to face the world. We understand others so well, but we've never been given the chance to understand ourselves.
We are many - yet often still alone. But in the quiet recognition between us, there’s something solid.
I see you.
Another one @MarkSmallwood! Love it. I experience the loneliness of me - even if I am engaging all the time w many people, family, I am so pulled in many directions and have so much responsibility that it leaves me feeling "lonely", I carry, where is my support group, who carries for me? I dont know if it makes sense, but that's the thought I had. Where is that ease? When can I just do me? Or is me=everyone in my circle, chores, responsibilities, gaps n cracks?!?! Just writing out loud, you know how that's therapeutic Mark.
Completely onboard, Ilya - that feeling of being surrounded, yet still isolated.
It reminds me of that Coleridge line:
“Water, water, everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink.”
That quiet question - “When do I just get to do me?” - echoing in the background while life pulls in every direction.
If this space gives even a breath of that back, I’m glad.
Write loud, any time, my friend.
Nah that's a subscribe from me.
Really appreciate that sentiment Georgina ✊🏻
A poem on the cost of performance.
That means a lot coming from you, Cherry. Your writing has a way of naming the unspoken. x
Thank you - v glad to know you here.
Oh bless you, for putting into words, what I hadn't gotten around to, yet. Thank you.
Many thanks - it felt like the right time to share my thoughts.